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10/22/2004

 

i win



yesterday john kerry, who's been on more hunting trips lately than elmer fudd, shot himself a goose. well, we know that a shot was heard and that the senator was photographed with a dead goose in his hands that he claims to have shot. not known is whether it was a single, fleeing goose in a loin cloth that had been shot in the back or if there were multiple geese that had caught the unwary hunters in an ambush. witnesses nearby claim that kerry had fled the scene at the sound of gunfire, only to return later and rescue a fellow hunter who was ankle deep in swamp muck and being pecked half to death. hopefully detailed after action reports will be forthcoming.

a typically sardonic cheney referred to the senator's foray as his "october disguise," a ruse to trick conservative ohio gun owners into thinking that he'll keep his mitts of their mausers. bush reminded pennsylvania voters that "even in camouflage" kerry can run but he can't hide. it doesn't really matter how much mossy oak and realtree kerry drapes himself in, he's got a near flawless rating from the brady people sparkling over his head like a beacon, and his one defense for his twenty year assault on our right to keep and bear arms is his supposed love of hunting--as if the second amendment had anything to do with hunting.

his deplorable gun rights record isn't the only thing kerry's hiding from, though. he hides from his days with the jane fonda set by transforming his convention into the most spectacular display of jingoism since patton climbed up before the american flag and promised to use the hun's guts to grease the treads of our tanks. he hides from the decade of the eighties by dropping ronald reagan's name more frequently than maureen, michael, patti, jr., and nancy combined. kerry fought the gipper tooth and nail on fronts domestic and international only to have adopted his vision of fiscal conservatism and strong national defense just in time for november. he hides from abortion, gay marriage, and every other hot button social issue by hanging his entire culture war strategy on the who-cares issue of stem cell research.

no, really, i mean that: who in the hell cares? show me one poll where stem cell research proves to be anything other than an afterthought with the american voter. shoot, i'd settle for one where it's even mentioned as an issue on people's minds. plenty of polls out there saying that, in the abstract, most people favor it, but why doesn't it show up in any of the which-issues-matter-most polls? and, seeing as how it does not, why does kerry talk about it so much? why does he have mrs. christopher reeve, not a fortnight since the death of her heroic husband, out there stumping for him? simple: it's the one social issue where he's more in line with the views of the average voter than the president. as trivial as it is, it's all he's got.

what's my point? my point is that i've won. we've won. us. conservatives. not republicans per se, americans. ordinary, ever day, slightly to the right of center americans who comprise the majority of this great nation of ours and force john kerry to pretend he's the second coming of barry goldwater to even have a prayer of getting elected.

don't you libs get it? don't you get why bill clinton won his election on a campaign of tax cuts and welfare reform? and why, when he failed to deliver on taxes as well as his one liberal issue, healthcare, voters bolted to the right with the republican revolution of 1994? don't you get that what made howard dean unelectable wasn't a scream? don't you get why kerry has to go on hunting trips in ohio and show up to his convention with his old vietnam crewmates and talk about ronald reagan and john mccain and tax cuts? it's because you've lost.

you've got two candidates running for this election, a somewhat conservative and an utter fraud, but either way, it's my beliefs that are going to get voted in. you guys have about 30% of the country who agrees with you. the rest, to varying degrees, agree with me.

losers.

locdog bids you all a pleasant friday